Breaking Kristoff
by thereturnofdipsh4t
Summary: After discovering that he is terminally ill, and losing everything, Kristoff becomes dependent on the one thing he has left, embracing it with his entire being, and going to drastic measures to ensure he doesn't lose it...
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_

Anna was alone. Again.

The wind whistled through the trees and a single tear had rolled down her cheek. How could this happen? The darkness crept through Anna's soul, engulfing her very being… How… HOW?

Three months earlier…

It was a chilly winter day in Aarondelle, the tree leaves painted as the colours of the sun. Both Anna and Elsa had found happiness and stability in their newfound roles. The two sisters were able to feel a warmth in their hearts that they had never been allowed to feel before. Sven was feeling happy with plentiful carrots to eat. Even Elsa, the Snow Queen, seemed to have lifted spirits.

However, on that fateful day, Kristoff's life changed forever…

"I'm sorry to inform you sir, but the test results are not good," the Doctor said sadly, a piece of paper in his hand.

Kristoff's gaze softened. "What? What's wrong? What do you mean?"

" Sir, I regret to inform you that you are suffering from a fatal case of lyme disease."

Kristoff felt his world spin around him as the doctor continued to ramble on. However, a quick mention of his best friend brought him back to consciousness.

" Do you perhaps spend elongated periods of time with animals? Maybe, a reindeer?"

"Y-yes, but what does that have anything to do with it? Sven is my best friend, we've always been together. We share everything."

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "Everything?"

"Well, yes. We spend all of our time together and I sometimes eat his carrots."

The doctor shook his head in disbelief. "There's your problem. Many, many reindeer have lyme disease."

Kristoff felt tears sting his eyes. "What can I do?" he asked wearily.

"You can say goodbye to those you love," the doctor whispered, and held out a box of tissues. Kristoff collapsed to the floor and broke down in anguished sobs.

How would he tell the trolls? How would he tell Olaf? How would he tell… Anna? She had already faced so much loneliness, and the thought of cursing her to feel the blackness in her heart from the truth caused his heart to ache uncontrollably.

"Th-Thank you sir," Kristoff croaked, tears streaming down his face, slamming the door as he left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

Kristoff trudged through the snow, his tears freezing on his face as they fell. Suddenly, a small white thing tackled him, pushing him to the ground.

"Hello!"

It was Olaf. Of course. Although the snowman's happiness had once provided comfort, now, in the face of death, the snowman's cheer only reminded him of what would be soon gone…

"Fuck off Olaf" Said Kristoff coldly.

"Wh-wh-what?" Said Olaf. "Kristoff… why?"

The snowman couldn't say another word. He burst into tears, the flurries in his snowcloud raged down, the ice pellets stinging his skin with each impact. And so Kristoff continued to walk onwards.

Eventually he came home… home to Anna. Her warm blue orbs met his, with all of the love and adoration in the world sparkling through them. Kristoff felt his stomach tie into a knot as her smile grew wider.

"Kristoff! You're home! I was so worried about you," Anna exclaimed.

After hearing the excitement in her voice, Kristoff knew that he could never tell her. How could he allow himself to live the last months of his life with his wife's heart broken by his own hand? No… it was better to keep quiet.

"How was your day, sweetie?" Said Anna happily, smiling at him.

"Oh… It was uh... fine!" Said Kristoff, trying desperately to hide the sadness in his voice and soul.

His wife gave him a kiss on the cheek and he slumped down into his favourite chair.

"What's wrong Kristoff?" Anna said.

"It's nothing" Said Kristoff. "I'm just…. A little tired is all"

"Okay… If you say so…." Whispered Anna worriedly, and she walked away.

Kristoff slumped down even further… and began to reflect on life… his pitiful life. What did he have left at this point? He was going to die in a few months, his ice business had gone under when Elsa had taken over all production with her ice magic. What use was there for a simple man who sold ice when there was a queen who could make it from thin air? Worst of all Aarondelle was in a great economic depression ever since Elsa had cut off all trade with Wesselton, who had been a loyal trade partner of Aarondelle for centuries.

What did he have left? What could he do with his remaining months? He thought for what felt like hours… Nothing. He had nothing to live for… his life was in ruins.

That was when he saw it. Ice crystals forming on the window… ice crystals…. crystals… CRYSTALS! That was it! Crystal meth! Ice Crystal Meth! Kristoff knew immediately that this was what he must do.

Kristoff quickly rose from the chair, a determined glint in his eyes. He made for the door, his steps brisk and deliberate. Anna poked her head out from behind the entranceway.

"Kristoff? Where are you going?" she asked.

Kristoff turned around, his cold brown eyes meeting hers...

"I'm going to break bad."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

Author's Note: I'm very pleased that you all are taking in interest in my fanfiction. Rest assured, I'm gonna keep updating it until it's done! There are MANY more meth-related adventures to be had here! (Now let's get... COOKING!)

Kristoff strutted down the palace's hallways, feeling lighter than he had in months. Finally, his life had a purpose, a meaning. But there was one problem. Although Kristoff certainly knew ice and snow, he didn't know the business, and he needed a partner… A partner who knew ice as well as he did, in order to help him with his ice crystal meth. Elsa would never do, she would shut him down in seconds. He needed someone who knew ice… like the back of their hand… or TWIG.

Olaf. He was perfect! He would be an expert on ice, he was made of the stuff after all. Who better to aid him in the creation of his revolutionary ice crystal meth?

Kristoff took off at a run. Where was that stupid snowman? Probably right back where he left him, crying. Kristoff made his way out of the castle, got in his sled and rushed over to the spot where he'd last seen Olaf. Sure enough, there he was, slumped under a tree, Olaf sat, his cloud still raging, and tears streaming down his cheeks.

"H-hey buddy" said Kristoff softly.

"Don't you fucking 'HEY BUDDY' me, you piece of shit" said Olaf.

"Hey… Olaf… I'm sorry about earlier… I was uh…. Drunk." said Kristoff slowly.

"Ugh… fine" said Olaf quietly. "Anyways, what do you want?"

"Okay look" said Kristoff, his eyes wide with excitement. "I have this crazy idea, and I need YOUR help to pull it off."

"MY help? Oh come on, exactly what kind of help could you need from ME?" Olaf said.

"Well... You're an expert on ice of course, but how much do you know about…. Ice crystal meth?"

"Crystal meth?" Olaf's eyes brightened, and Kristoff knew instantly that he'd come to the right snowman. "Damn well I know something about crystal meth! How do you think I've been making ends meet in this fucking economy? The ice business might be gone, but the drug addicts of Aarondelle will be there forever, foaming at the mouth like always"

"So..." Kristoff said, "You know the business then?"

"Know the business?" Said Olaf, "Kristoff, I AM the business, I know the this shit like the back of my twig, Kristoff. What, are you gonna bust me to Elsa or something?"

"No," Kristoff said. "Let's cook meth."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

"Cook meth? Listen Kristoff, do you know what you're getting into? Shit man, if Elsa finds out then you're fuckng screwed man!" Olaf said.

"Olaf, I need money to support Anna after I die." Kristoff felt his eyes sting with tears again. He and Anna had only been married for a few months, but it would all come to an end so quickly. He was supposed to be her true love…but what if that wasn't true? What if she was his true love, but she had another, a better man, waiting for her in the future?

No, Kristoff thought. Don't think about that…

"Die? What are you talking about?" Olaf gasped, his eyes wide. His query brought Kristoff back to business. His ice meth business.

"I have lyme disease, Olaf. Now listen, we can use my sleigh to cook. If we cook in the basement, anyone could find out. I can harvest tons of ice, although Elsa's magical ice would make a better pr—"

"Lyme disease? Kristoff, what?"

"Yeah, anyway, Olaf, I'll be in charge of the cooking, and you can sell it. You have your customers, after all. I expect a split of 50/50 in the profits, nothing less."

"How can you live in the same castle as the Queen? Your ass will get busted in seconds!" Olaf nearly screamed.

"Olaf," Kristoff sighed, "you live in the fucking castle too. Don't act like you're above it all."

"But Kristoff, I'm a snowman!" Olaf bellowed.

"Quiet down! Do you wanna be caught already?" Kristoff hissed.

"N-no. Sorry Kristoff."

Olaf paused for a moment. Suddenly, his head perked up in revelation.

"We could cook in Elsa's ice castle…lots of magical ice there. We'd have the best product in town."

Kristoff's eyes widened. "Olaf, you're incredible!"

Olaf smiled smugly. "I'm fuckng stoked for this ice meth, biatch!"

The two shook hands and made their way to Kristoff's sled.

They had meth to cook.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

"Here we are…" said Kristoff, stopping his sled at the large castle, made entirely out of ice.

"Fucking perfect" muttered Olaf. The queen has just about forgotten all about this place, and nobody ever comes here. "I would know. I used to get high here all the time.

The two partners opened the large doors and stepped inside.

"Let's cook" said Kristoff, smiling coldly.

Olaf began to gather ice crystals from around the castle, gathering them in a small bucket, and carrying them over to Kristoff, who had started to cook crystals in a pot over a small fire.

Kristoff stirred the pot vigorously, his eyes gleaming with greed. After a few hours, the first batch of meth was complete, the crystals faintly glowed blue, a result of Elsa's magic ice.

"It's dooone!" Olaf leapt from one foot to the other excitedly. "Yeah Mr. Bjordman, yeah science!"

"Daaamn, someone's addicted!" laughed Kristoff.

"Heyyy, Kristy…. Can we… Can we smoke this batch? Please?" Olaf looked up at Kristoff, his eyes wide like a puppy.

"Weeelll…. Alright" Said Kristoff. He wasn't particularly worried about getting addicted. He only had a few months left to live anyways. And besides… this batch looked SO good…

Kristoff and Olaf sat back like the truest of bros and began snorting their newly produced ice crystal meth. Kristoff closed his eyes and began to feel the best high he had ever felt in his entire life. It was like he had been knocked out the moment his nostrils touched the beautiful, sparkling blue crystals. Olaf, too, seemed to be feeling the euphoria as they drifted into a blissful meth trip.

Suddenly, they heard thundering footsteps echoing through the castle.

"What's that?" Kristoff groaned.

"I'unno, Marshmallow probably…"

Kristoff leapt up. "Marshmallow? That crazy fucking snowman?"

"Yeah…We got high once or twice…He's one of my customers."

"Customers? You mean we have to share our ice crystal meth with him?" Kristoff gasped.

Olaf rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. How are we gonna make money?"

"You're right," Kristoff sighed, slumping back down. "Hey, Marshmallow. Want some ice?"

A large, white head peered around the corner, gaping. After scanning the man and his snowman companion, he slowly crept his way towards them. With a large hand, he carefully picked up some of the bright blue ice meth and scanned it carefully. Kristoff held his breath, watching him inspect his life's work. Would he like it? After what seemed like centuries, the large monster smiled, threw down a few thousand kroner and began snorting some ice meth.

Olaf stood up triumphantly. "Hell yeah, it's Olaf bitch, and I'm back in business!"

Kristoff simply sat there, astonished. "Did we just make our first sell?"

"Fuckin' right, Kristoff! And look at how much he paid! Shit man, you'll only have to do this for a few weeks before Anna will be set for life!"

Kristoff's face fell. "Anna…" What would she think if she saw him today? Would she approve of his actions? Would she leave him before he had a chance to make things right? He recalled the night where he walked out the door, so cold with his resolve to start selling ice crystal meth. He needed to show her all of his love before he left this world for good…

"Olaf, I have to see Anna," Kristoff said, as he sat down in his seat, and placed a PBR in the cup holder.

Too bad he didn't remember that he was still hella high from the ice crystal meth…

(TO BE CONTINUED...?)


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note:** OKAY class i've been silent long enough, but now it's time to GET. TO. WORK! We only have a few weeks to complete the course material and analyse this symbolically so lets continue, and I'll give you some things to analyse at the end of the chapter.

**Chapter 6**

Kristoff sped down the mountan, chugging his PBR. His sled was decked out with chrome fitting and leather seats.

"Hey… Put on some tunes Olaf!" he said.

"Sure thing bro", said Olaf and he popped a cd into the sled's high tech stereo system. . It was Can't Hold Us by Macklemore of course, who better to listen to in a situation like this? The bass pounded all around them as Kristoff and Olaf adjusted their snapbacks and got ready to have the jam of their lives.

_When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,_

_'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight._

_I told my mom, tears rushing down my face_

_She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "_

"When I was in the third grade, I thought I was gay too," Olaf whispered.

"But Olaf, you didn't even go to school!"

Olaf's eye welled up with an ice tear. "I know…"

"Oh Olaf, I'm sure Macklemore will save the gays soon," Kristoff said reassuringly,putting a hand on his bro's soldier.

_Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?_

_Bunch of stereotypes all in my head._

_I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"_

"I was good at little league until my parents died," Kristoff said.

A tear came to his eyes… The trolls never let him play little league.

_A preconceived idea of what it all meant_

_For those that liked the same sex_

_Had the characteristics_

_The right wing conservatives think it's a decision_

_And you can be cured with some treatment and religion_

_Man-made rewiring of a predisposition_

"Man… FUCK RELIGION" said Kristoff giving a middle finger to the sky. "Shout out to my gentlefellows on r/atheism!" Kristoff's atheist views are a parallel to Melchior Godor's in Spring Awakening, another role played by Jonthan Groff. Wow 10/10 reference. Please analyze this for tomorrow, class.

"Kristoff, do you think Elsa is a conservative?" Olaf asked.

"No, Olaf," Kristoff replied. "I think she believes in the same love. Just like Macklemore."

_Playing God, aw nah here we go_

_America the brave still fears what we don't know_

_And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten_

_But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago_

_I don't know_

"I hate the Bible. It needs more memes," Olaf said.

"I agree," Kristoff said.

_And I can't change_

_Even if I tried_

_Even if I wanted to_

_And I can't change_

_Even if I tried_

_Even if I wanted to_

_My love_

_My love_

_My love_

_She keeps me warm_

_She keeps me warm_

_She keeps me warm_

_She keeps me warm_

"AWWWWW YEAHHHH, that's the stuff" said Kristoff. "Man Macklemore always makes me tear up"

Olaf nodded in agreement. "He's the mackleMAN."

Kristoff finished his PBR and threw the bottle out behind him, not giving a fuck where in landed because he didn't care about the environment. While he threw it, Kristoff bellowed, "IT'S GOING DOWN, I'M YELLING TIMBER!" just like PItbull and Ke$ha - Timber.

Then they arrived at the castle. There were two figures waiting for them. He saw that one of them had blonde hair and was wearing a blue dress. Elsa! Kristoff gulped. Have they been caught? All he wanted was to keep Anna safe…

Wait...the redhead beside her wasn't Anna!

"Hello, Kristoff, Olaf," Elsa greeted courteously. "I'd like to introduce you to someone."

TO BE CONTINUED...

OKAY CLASS HERE IS YOUR HOMEWORK:

1. Write an essay on "Same Love" by Macklemore. The outline will be worth 5% and will be due in tutorial next week.

2. Do you think Olaf is really gay? Write a paragraph on this in your journals.

3. Explore the symbolism behind Kristoff's presence on Reddit, why does the author (me) choose to make it such a defining character trait?

4. What is Jonathan Groff's twitter? I need to know so he can name a goat after me.

All this should be done in the reviews section and handed in. Please complete your homework class or you will fail!


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

PREVIOUSLY ON BREAKING KRISTOFF: "Hello, Kristoff, Olaf," Elsa greeted courteously. "I'd like to introduce you to someone."

Olaf jumped out of the sled in joy. "Macklemore!"

The tall man looked at the two of them, a fiery passion in his eyes…. This man was the chosen one…. the one who would save the gays once and for all.

Kristoff walked to the room he shared with Anna, and found her waiting there. "Kristoff! You're back!" She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly….

"Anna…. there's….. there's something I need to tell you…." said Kristoff

"I-I… I'm… I have… I…. I'm making.. I…" he stammered, beads of sweat forming on his brow

"Kristoff, I know," Anna said, touching his cheek. "I saw you and Olaf on the mountain. I know you're a memer."

Kristoff burst into tears. "FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" he said at the top of his lungs.

"We can cure you…. Don't worry…" Said Anna.

"WELL WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE CURED. HUH?" said "What if… WHAT IF THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM?" Kristoffs eyes turned red.

"I AM DISAPPOINT ANNA. MY NAME MAY BE KRISTOFF, BUT NOW…. I AM PISSED OFF!" Said Kristoff angrily and he stormed out of the room.

Anna burst into tears…. she knew that her relationship with Kristoff was ON THIN ICE! After all, ever since she realized that she could draw in the third grade, her life had never been the same. No wonder Elsa called Macklemore in to Aarondelle.

A snowy head peaked through the door. "Anna?"

Anna smiled a little. "Olaf!"

"Hey babe. What's cookin good lookin" Olaf said while leaning seductively against the wall, a smug smile on his face. Little did Anna know that Olaf was questioning his sexuality, and trying to prove to himself that he was straight.

"Oh, Olaf," Anna whispered, cradling the snowman's head in her arms. "My man left me….. maybe… I'm not really sure but I think he left me"

"Hey babe I'm looking for treasure can I look in your chest?" said Olaf raising an eyebrow. But no matter how he thought about Anna's chest, his water wouldn't freeze into an icicle.

He scrunched his eyes tight and thought about Macklemore. Ah yes...Macklemore...his luscious red locks, his duck lips, his pasty Seattle skin… Olaf felt something ignite in him that he had never felt before...Macklemore, stroking his carrot, surrounded by furs and money, being cheered on by the gays, his loyal followers…

Olaf realized he could never go on without keeping his Mackle-train-of-thought constant. He put on a playlist consisting of "Same Love", "Thrift Shop" and "Can't Hold Us".

Oh yeah, he thought.

Olaf held Anna's face with his twigs, and leaned closer and closer to her face. "Anna, I want you."

"Olaf!" Anna gasped. "Take me."

As Macklemore rapped on, Olaf felt himself get harder and harder. Anna could feel his icicle, and all she wanted was for him to impale her. She slammed her lips against his, and their tongues battled for dominance like Athens and Sparta in the great Peloponnesian war (analyze this historical allusion please class) . Olaf let his twig hands wander down her body, still thinking about Macklemore. Macklemore's chest, Macklemore's stomach, Macklemore's sweet, sweet ass…

"Oh Mackie," Olaf moaned as he grabbed Anna's buttocks, pulling her closer to him.

"Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch," Anna moaned back, thinking about the JohnLock fanfic she had typed up for tumblr before Kristoff came home. She leaned close to Olaf's ear and whispered, "Finger me."

Olaf panicked. What did he do? He had never touched anyone else so sensually before… he didn't know how vaigyaianias worked.

Anna sensed Olaf's confusion. "Olaf, touch the clit."

"Right here?" he said, hand over Anna's left breast.

"No, here," Anna said, guiding his twig down.

Olaf cautiously touched the foreign object. Think about Macklemore, think about Macklemore, he thought, as his lover rapped about $50 t-shirts. Oh, how he wanted Macklemore to take him in the thrift shop…

"Anna, I have to put it in now," Olaf panted. "Please."

"Benedict, I want you so bad."

"Mackie...me too…"

Olaf carefully rubbed his icicle dick with ice lubricant. He had to be careful to go slow, in order to not melt it off. Anna picked up the snowman and lead him to the bed. She spread her legs and lifted him on top of her.

"All I want is for Johnlock to have some Same Love," she whispered. "Enter me, Benny C."

And so, Olaf thrusted into her, thinking about Macklemore's beady eyes. He screamed his name in delight, and his imagination was so vivid that he could feel Macklemore taking him Grandpa-style. Anna, too, could hear Benedict Cumberbatch's classist remarks filling her head. Olaf felt himself climax, his slush (ice cum) getting all over the sheets.

"Benedict," Anna gasped. "That was...amazing…"

"Oppa grandpa style," Olaf panted in return.

After the sex, Olaf took out some ice crystal meth and started smoking it… Anna was so shocked that she just had sex with a snowman made by her sister that she didn't notice. Why did she do it? What if Kristoff found out? As she wept, Olaf got hella high, and then… he got up to leave…

"Macklemore, I need to find you. I need you to save my gay soul."

Little did Olaf know that Kristoff saw everything…

TO BE CONTINUED….

" Walk into the club like what up I got a big icicle." -Macklemore, Thrift Shop.

AN:

OK CLASS, PLEASE DO THE FOLLOWING:

1. Analyze the significance between Olaf getting off to Macklemore's greatest hits

2. Have we found out Olaf's true sexuality? Why or why not?

3. Write about the historical allusion to the Peloponnesian war.

4. Write an essay on the Juxtaposition of Kristoff being a Redditor and Anna being a Sherlockian

5. Tell Jonathan Groff that I love him NO HOMO I am but a lowly English teacher not worthy of his angelic locks….


End file.
